Manly Habits

Don't mind me as you lift your leg and fart

feel free to pick your nose

just sit naked; let it all hang out

as you poke fluff from your toes.

The things you do from day to day

so often drive me crackers

The way you lounge so comfortably 

as you sit and play with your knackers.

It's ever so attractive

as you walk by and scratch your bum

and how you grab me close at night

to let me know you've a loaded gun.

You think this is just normal

You do it all the time,

well; your eyes would pop right out your head

if i sat and played with mine.

These things you do so casually

are just, not so appealing 

but I'll pretend not to notice dear

as I stare up at the ceiling.

ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time

I used to have hips

could eat anything I wanted

including cakes 'n'' chips!

I used to have a figure

A nice perked little bum

boobs round and quite uplifted

and a tight, flat, toned up tum.

I had no signs of stretch marks

no bags beneath the eyes

I never thought that I could

ever multiply in size.

Yet my body's proved me wrong

in fact; it's a disgrace

now it's so much more exhausting

running round from place to place.

So, every day in the mirror

there's this blob that stares at me

as I try to imagine...

the figure that used to be.

I stick my shoulders back

I tighten in my tum

I squeeze both cheeks together

just to get a nice shaped bum.

Yet it doesn't stay for long

as when I take a seat

it all unfolds it's self

to reveal the rolls of meat.

Calorie counting's too complicated

I LOVE FOOD, thats full of taste

big fat cream buns, choc digestives

bloody slimfast's just a waste.

So I console myself on the sofa

half a packet of biscuits with my brew

and I say "well i'm over 40 now,

what is a girl to do?"

I know I should really keep myself fit

maybe head down to that gym

I'd like the figure i used to have...

once upon a time when i was slim.